Being a leader without becoming a guru

It is a thin line between being a great leader and becoming a guru.

I have a part that subconsciously wants to put my teachers on a pedestals. That part wants to look up to someone in order to hand over responsibility and feel safe. Most of us didnt’t have healthy role models at home, are parentified children (parentificatoin happens when the child starts to take care (emotionally, financially etc) of (one of) its parents. Understanding transgenerational trauma we know by now that the parent of a parentified child was most likely also parentified. We pass on what we’ve learned if there is no awareness. Taking this as a starting point it becomes easier to understand why all our little inner children are looking desperately for the father and mother that can finally give them what they didn't receive (because they didn’t receive it themselves): (emotional) safety.

When we grow older our inner child is subconsciously looking for that figure. Once we found our leader, we project all our needs and desires onto that person. We become dependent and give away our power. Thus, the opposite of what we actually want to be: independent and empowered.

A great leader knows how to work smoothly with his/her/their own triggers and is aware of projections.

A great leader is conscious of his/her/their own mistakes and is able to be vulnerable in front of a group without the fear of loosing power.

A great leader supports his/her/their students to be independent, self thinking and self responsible that find their sense of safety within.

I feel extremely grateful for the amazing teachers in my life - in the field of yoga and meditation, sexology, trauma and psychology of the selves. I want to give special THANKS to Francine Oomen, Robert Stamboliev, Sanderijn van der Doef, Igor Odriozola, Kerys, Almuth Kramer, Bas Bruggeman & Lorie Solis.

Finding people to do this deep inner work with is worth gold.

THANK YOU for…
... teaching me new things
... showing me the way without claiming the truth
... calling me out firmly yet always lovingly
... holding space for my processes
... empowering me
... finding safety within myself
and to be independent while being interconnected

Step-by-Step Voice Dialogue Approach to work with your parentification:

Step 1: Identifying Your Primary Selves

• First, recognize and name your main sub-personalities involved in parentification.

• Examples might include:

• • The Caretaker Self: The part of you who always feels responsible for others' well-being.

  • The Responsible Adult (Inner Parent): The prematurely matured self, trained early to handle crises and responsibilities.

  • The Inner Child: The neglected or hidden self who yearns for care, playfulness, spontaneity, and attention.

Step 2: Engage in Dialogue with Each Voice Separately

• Begin sessions by inviting each voice to speak individually. For instance:

• • Invite the Caretaker Self and ask:
    "Caretaker, when did you first show up? What made you step forward? How do you help, and what do you fear would happen if you stepped back?"

  • Dialogue with the Inner Child and explore feelings and unmet needs:
    "Inner Child, how did it feel when you took care of others? What did you really need instead?"

Step 3: Understanding Each Voice's Intentions and Needs

• Each voice emerged for a reason—usually survival or adaptation.

• Clarify each voice’s original intent:

• • Caretaker might say, "I wanted to protect us from abandonment."

  • Inner Child might say, "I needed someone to see and care for me, but no one was there, so I hid my needs."

Step 4: Experiencing Vulnerability and Acceptance

• Allow your Inner Child’s vulnerable emotions to surface in a safe, controlled setting.

• Practice empathically acknowledging this neglected or parentified part of you, perhaps speaking words like:
  "I see you, and it's okay to let go of these heavy responsibilities now. You're allowed to receive care and support."

Step 5: Developing a Conscious Awareness (Aware Ego)

• Shift from automatic reaction (sub-personality taking over) to conscious decision-making:

• • Notice when the Caretaker or Parentified Self arises in daily life.

  • Instead of automatically acting, pause and reflect:
    "Do I really want or need to act now, or is this my Caretaker self trying to fix or rescue again?"

  • Gradually practice consciously choosing responses rather than reacting from habit.

Step 6: Setting Healthy Boundaries and Limits

• Teach your parentified self how to set limits on caretaking, acknowledging what is realistically yours to carry and what isn't:

• • "It’s okay to care, but I don’t have to take responsibility for everyone's emotional well-being."

• Learn to ask for and receive support from others.

Step 7: Integrating and Balancing Your Voices

• Aim to integrate the voices, allowing each to contribute healthily without dominance.

• Find a balanced way of being where you care for others and yourself appropriately, neither abandoning yourself nor excessively caretaking others.

Practical Tips:

• Keep a journal specifically for dialogues with your inner voices.

• Work regularly with a therapist experienced in Voice Dialogue if possible.

• Practice daily check-ins to become aware of which sub-personality is most active.

• Practice new relational behaviors, like asking for help, asserting your boundaries, and permitting yourself rest and playfulness.