Dear one,
Our first sensual & sexual experiences are crucial. They shape the way we relate to ourselves and others and will impact all future relations.
I feel extremely blessed that I got the gift to fall madly in love with a ‘good one’ in my teenage years. We were both absolutely crazy about each other. When I was laying in his arms time disappeared, the world around me dissolved and nothing else mattered. I felt safe and seen. Exploring each others bodies happened respectfully and with ease. We loved everything about each other and could not imagine that this would ever change. But it did. Not because we fell out of love. But because I didn’t know back then how to change forms in a healthy way. It was a long painful process in which I was definitely the ‘bad one’. I was curious to exploring other bodies and to experience myself through the eyes and the touch of someone else. I never questioned my love to him. In his world non of this made sense. How could I still love him and at the same time desire others? I didn’t understand it either. I just knew that this is it how it was. For me. The more I tried to explain myself the more we drifted apart. I felt unsafe and unseen. So did he.
Unfortunately, there was no trusted adult in that time that offered the support and the guidance we would have needed to be able to navigate the roller coaster in our hearts. I remember being devastated. My cries for help were answered with comments like:
“You want too much Katjalisa.”
“Life is not a ‘Wunschkonzert’ (juke box).”
“You get belly pain when you eat the whole cake. Be happy with one nice piece.”
In the white middle class, hetero sexual, monogamous environment I grew up there was no one that understood that all I was looking for was a different form of relating then the forms I had witnessed so far. I wished someone would have told me that there is such a thing as ‘open relating’ or ‘free love’ or ‘polyamory’. I don’t believe in diagnoses and I’m not a big fan of labels. But back then it would have opened my horizon hearing about those kind of possibilities and knowing that I am not greedy, ungrateful and unfaithful if I have desires that don’t fit the form of the norm.
Finding the right form that fits your relationship is, like the aware ego, a ‘slippery little thing’ (Sidra Stone). It is a dynamic process that needs regular care through check ins and heart shares. Shadow work, radical honesty and non violent communication are the main ingredients within this process. Understanding your inner community through the parts work with Voice Dialogue is another important tool to get in touch with the different energies that live inside of you. It makes the world of a difference if I say to my partner: ‘there is a part inside of me that longs for a sexy adventure’ then saying: ‘I want a sexy adventure’. The first version leaves room for exploration, invites a curious conversation. When a part can express itself it can already relax and then the desire of the sexy adventure becomes less urgent. Because there has been expression, there has been space to feel, to be, with what is. The second version though might trigger your partner and create rather disconnect and heated discussions in which both of you end up defending your own desire without being able to really hear each out other any more.
The other day I told my teenage son that witnessing the way he relates to and with his girlfriend fills me with more joy and pride then him getting good grades at school. And I truly mean it. The amount of energy that went into the heart ship and the conflict of my soul in my late teenage years during that time cost me so much energy. Precious energy that I could not invest into my studies or things I am passionate about. And - a part of my heart is still broken and has not fully recovered yet. Because the first cut is the deepest…
How to keep hearts whole:
First of all, by cultivating the understanding that relating is a dynamic process.
By acquiring a toolbox that includes skills such as radical honesty, non-violent communication, and Voice Dialogue.
By cultivating an ecology of care: regular check-ins & heart shares.
And perhaps most importantly—by staying curious. By allowing love to evolve, rather than forcing it into fixed shapes. By embracing the unknown together, instead of letting fear drive us apart. When we see each other not as possessions but as ever-changing beings, we create space for deeper trust, for growth, and for love that adapts instead of breaks.
Because the way we relate matters. Not just for us, but for the generations after us.
