The Slow Sex Movement is all about creating a new culture of relating.
Most people that join our events and that work one on one with me are grown up adults that want to de-condition themselves by de-constructing their patterns and re-writing their script.
The older we are when we start our inner work, the more complex it becomes and the more there is to uncover and to heal. In every single case that I have worked with so far, the teenage years have played an important role in their development.
Having a teenage son myself I experience first hand the challenges it brings. Lately, I have reached limits I didn’t even know I had. You think the first years as parents are demanding? Well, wait until they start growing pubic hair. Then parenting gets a whole new dimension. The other day I got so pissed off that a part in me wanted to tell my son and his group of friends to just go and fuck themselves. So little respect, so little awareness, so many lies, so many boundaries being crossed. The anger is deep and wants to come out as a big force of nature. It wants to yell, it wants to shake, it wants to burn, it wants to hurt and to destroy.
By the time our kids enter puberty, we as parents are often burnt out from many years of caring, nourishing and nurturing. Maybe there are younger siblings that demand our attention, the women are excited to focus again more on their career, the relationship might be in a difficult place due to years of stress and surviving.
How can we ‘hold on to our kids’ (Gabor Mate) even though (or: especially) when we feel they are turning into big dickheads with a grumpy face smelling like pumas in the zoo.
Honestly, I am still figuring it out. And it is challenging me to the bones. I encounter parts in myself that embarrass me deeply and that shock me to the moon.
What I do know though, from my own teenage years and from working with my clients is, that the next years are crucial. It is exactly in those years when we start developing many of our (survival) strategies that will shape and direct our lives in order to hide the vulnerabilities. Peers become more important than family. Nowadays there is also the extra challenge of social media that creates dis-connect and provides unhealthy role models.
Dutch bestselling author Francine Oomen has provided with her series ‘hoe overleef ik…’ an important anchor to a whole generation. With brutal honesty and a lot of empathy she describes the struggling years of being a teenager. She offers funny and creative survival tips that make you both laugh and reflect.
Our (teenage) children need to be seen for who they are.
They need our presence and our support.
Every stage in parenting has its own challenge, is an opportunity to look deeper into ourselves, to travel back in time and to see our own inner children that are somewhere frozen in time.
We can only see our (teenage) children for who they are
when we give our presence and our support
to our own (teenage) children.
This is a call to action.
For all of us.
Let's dare to dive deeply into our soul and start cleaning up the transgenerational collective mess in our/the system.
Our (inner) children need us.
Thanks to my life partner Mattie, to my colleagues and friends that actively engage with my son and find ways of seeing and affirming him and offering him a space where he feels safe to express himself. As Francine would say: ‘expression is the best medicine for depression.’
Thanks to my clients that trust me to work with their teenage children. That gives me hope. And that heals something inside of me too.
Step 1: Recognize and Understand the Dynamics (Maté’s Approach)
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Understand Attachment Needs: Teens deeply require connection, even when acting rebelliously or pushing boundaries.
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Empathize with Their Struggles: Recognize the pressures teens face—peers, identity, social media.
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Awareness of Your Reactions: Identify and own your emotional triggers; acknowledge when your inner child or teen is activated.
Action: Regularly reflect on conflicts and notice your triggers.
Step 2: Identify Your Inner Selves (Voice Dialogue Method)
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Voice Dialogue helps to separate your complex feelings into distinct "inner selves," each with unique perspectives (e.g., Angry Parent, Hurt Teen, Protective Parent).
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Identify dominant selves: e.g., "Angry Part," "Frustrated Part," or "Anxious Part."
Action: Write down which inner voices emerge strongly during interactions with your teen. Identify the roles they play.
Step 3: Conduct Inner Dialogue (Voice Dialogue Technique)
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Facilitate conversations with your inner selves.
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Ask each part what it needs, fears, and wants.
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Understand how each part protects you and its origin (usually from your teenage years or younger).
Action: Engage in journaling or guided inner dialogues weekly to articulate what these selves are communicating.
Step 4: Offer Empathy to Your Inner Teen (Maté and Voice Dialogue Integration)
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Maté emphasizes compassion for our past selves to heal current wounds.
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Your angry or hurt inner teenager usually mirrors the challenges you face with your child.
Action: Meditate on your younger self. Visualize comforting, affirming, and validating your inner teenager, acknowledging past pain and isolation.
Step 5: Hold Space and Connection with Your Teen (Maté’s Relational Approach)
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Presence Over Reaction: Maté highlights authentic presence—being fully present without judgment, which allows the teen to feel safe and valued.
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Listening Actively: Listen without immediate advice or correction; validate their feelings.
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Repair Ruptures: When anger or conflict occurs, openly acknowledge and repair, demonstrating relational health.
Action: Schedule intentional time weekly to deeply listen and connect without agenda. Follow conflicts with sincere conversation to repair trust.
Step 6: Empower Your Teen’s Voice (Voice Dialogue Method Applied to Teens)
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Facilitate your teen’s self-awareness by exploring their inner selves through conversations.
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Support them in identifying dominant parts—"rebellious teen," "insecure teen," or "isolated teen."
Action: Occasionally initiate informal conversations with your teen about different "parts" they notice in themselves to build self-understanding and empathy.
Step 7: Heal Generational Patterns (Integrative Step)
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Recognize patterns inherited from your own upbringing.
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Actively choose to interrupt and rewrite harmful scripts.
Action: Reflect monthly on familial patterns you unconsciously repeat, and deliberately set new intentions in parenting.
Step 8: Community and Mentorship
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Ensure your teen has positive adult role models beyond parents.
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Build supportive community spaces where teens feel validated and safe to express themselves.
Action: Facilitate relationships with trusted adults, mentors, and peers who positively affirm your teen’s identity and emotional life.
Summary of Core Steps:
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Recognize emotional dynamics and triggers (Maté).
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Identify inner selves triggered by teen interactions (Voice Dialogue).
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Dialogue with inner selves to heal and clarify (Voice Dialogue).
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Offer empathy and healing to your inner teen (Integration).
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Create presence and authentic connections with your teen (Maté).
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Support your teen’s voice and self-awareness (Voice Dialogue).
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Interrupt generational patterns to heal family dynamics (Integration).
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Provide community support and mentorship for your teen (Integrative/Community).
By applying these integrated methods, you'll nurture a deeper connection and emotional resilience, not only for your teenage children but within yourself as a parent and individual.
