When the heart speaks, the war ends

Wherever we come from, whatever we have experienced - at the end it is about being able to look into each others eyes, connect to the heart and look for compassion.

I have stopped watching news a long time ago. It overwhelms me and leaves me with a sense of despair and hopelessness. Instead, I acquire my knowledge about what is going on in the world through in-person encounters. I choose to move through life with activated senses, an open heart and endless curiosity.

The other day, I had a meaningful encounter with an ex-combat soldier from Israel that touched me deeply. We were both looking for some peace and quiet a little away from the masses. And that’s where we met: Around a wooden table in a little hut next to the bigger dining hall. We skipped the small talk and went straight into vulnerable conversations about love and life. He is here to process and to recover from the horror of war. He wants to find new answers to his questions: What to do with all the horrible things he has witnessed? How to forgive himself for all the horrific things he has done in return that seemed right out of the rage of the moment? How to transform negative emotions into positive emotions? How to find peace in his mind and in his heart? How to find home again…

With his permission, I want to tell you one of the stories he shared with me in confidence. It is about the moment when he decided to break the cycle of horror:

“An old Palestinian man, the last one left besides dogs in an evacuated village sits broken from life and scared to death in front of him. He already has his gun loaded and pointed to his head. The part in him that was trained to follow orders, to not think, to shut down the heart, is about to do the irreversible - to take someone else's life. That’s the moment something in his heart shifts. If we are all one, he thinks to himself, shooting him means shooting myself. He screams and cries - from confusion, from relief. He realizes that he could stop this horrible vicious circle right here right now. At least for himself. He drops his gun and lets the old man go. That’s it. I am done with this. Enough damage has been created already for everyone involved for too long.”

Soon after, he finds himself on an airplane to Thailand. A decision that feels wrong to his family but right to his heart.

Finding compassion has become his new mission. Dear Liron, I respect you so much and I bow down to your courage to follow your heart. In every moment lays the opportunity for creating a new culture of relating. May more people follow your example.

How to cultivate forgiveness and compassion

Step 1: Create a Safe and Peaceful Space

Find a quiet, calming place to sit comfortably.
Close your eyes gently, and bring your attention to your breath.
Allow yourself to become fully present, grounded, and relaxed.

Step 2: Become Aware of Your Heart Space

Focus softly on your heart area. Connect to the rhythm of your heart
Feel into this space, noticing any sensations, emotions, or tension.
Imagine breathing softly in and out of your heart, allowing yourself to soften and open inwardly.

Step 3: Identify Your Inner Voices

Recognize that within you are many "selves" or voices—each with its own perspective.
Notice voices that are critical or harsh towards you, voices that feel hurt, and voices seeking compassion.
Specifically identify the voice of compassion and understanding (Compassionate Self).

Step 4: Cultivate Your Compassionate Self

Actively bring forward your Compassionate Self, a wise, kind, and forgiving presence within.
Visualize this self clearly—perhaps as a nurturing figure or an embodiment of kindness.
Speak from the perspective of this self, offering words of healing, understanding, and acceptance toward both your Inner Critic and Vulnerable Child.

Step 5: Invite Compassion Into Your Heart

Imagine a warm, nurturing presence or energy filling your heart area.
Allow yourself to feel the sensation of compassion—kindness, gentleness, acceptance—gently spreading throughout your body.
Affirm silently or aloud:

"I allow compassion to enter and heal my heart."

"I open myself fully to kindness and love."

Step 6: Practice Self-Forgiveness

Bring gently to mind something you wish to forgive yourself for—this can be small or significant.
With compassion fully present, silently or aloud, repeat these affirmations slowly and mindfully:

"I recognize my humanness and forgive myself."

"I lovingly release guilt, shame, and judgment."

"I deserve kindness and forgiveness."

"I forgive myself fully, deeply, and completely."
Allow yourself to fully receive these words of forgiveness, feeling their warmth and truth within you.

Step 7: Extend Forgiveness to Others

With your heart open and softened by self-forgiveness, bring to mind someone else you wish to forgive.
Silently or aloud, gently speak words of forgiveness toward this person, such as:

"I see you as human, imperfect, and worthy of compassion.”

"I forgive you and release you from resentment."

"I offer you kindness and forgiveness from my heart."
Imagine these compassionate words dissolving any emotional barriers or hardness, gently transforming them into feelings of understanding and peace.

Step 7: Integrate and Rest in Compassion

Sit quietly for a moment, breathing naturally, and feel the sense of compassion and forgiveness integrated in your heart.
Affirm inwardly:

"My heart is open; forgiveness and compassion flow freely through me."

"I choose compassion as my path forward.”

Step 8: Commit to Regular Practice

Commit to repeating this gentle practice regularly—daily or weekly—to deepen compassion and forgiveness in your life.
Notice over time how your inner state and your interactions with others become gentler, more accepting, and more harmonious.

This simplified Voice Dialogue-inspired approach helps you consistently cultivate compassion and forgiveness. By consciously inviting compassion, practicing forgiveness toward yourself, and extending that forgiveness outwardly, you gently transform your inner world and relationships, allowing greater peace, healing, and harmony to flourish in your life.

Reach out to me if you want guidance in your process. We can work online or in person. If you are located in Amsterdam - book your spot soon! I will be there in July. Best to send me a message on +31624555311

Step 1: Recognize and Understand the Dynamics (Maté’s Approach)

Understand Attachment Needs: Teens deeply require connection, even when acting rebelliously or pushing boundaries.
Empathize with Their Struggles: Recognize the pressures teens face—peers, identity, social media.
Awareness of Your Reactions: Identify and own your emotional triggers; acknowledge when your inner child or teen is activated.

Action: Regularly reflect on conflicts and notice your triggers.

Step 2: Identify Your Inner Selves (Voice Dialogue Method)

Voice Dialogue helps to separate your complex feelings into distinct "inner selves," each with unique perspectives (e.g., Angry Parent, Hurt Teen, Protective Parent).
Identify dominant selves: e.g., "Angry Part," "Frustrated Part," or "Anxious Part."

Action: Write down which inner voices emerge strongly during interactions with your teen. Identify the roles they play.

Step 3: Conduct Inner Dialogue (Voice Dialogue Technique)

Facilitate conversations with your inner selves.
Ask each part what it needs, fears, and wants.
Understand how each part protects you and its origin (usually from your teenage years or younger).

Action: Engage in journaling or guided inner dialogues weekly to articulate what these selves are communicating.

Step 4: Offer Empathy to Your Inner Teen (Maté and Voice Dialogue Integration)

Maté emphasizes compassion for our past selves to heal current wounds.
Your angry or hurt inner teenager usually mirrors the challenges you face with your child.

Action: Meditate on your younger self. Visualize comforting, affirming, and validating your inner teenager, acknowledging past pain and isolation.

Step 5: Hold Space and Connection with Your Teen (Maté’s Relational Approach)

Presence Over Reaction: Maté highlights authentic presence—being fully present without judgment, which allows the teen to feel safe and valued.
Listening Actively: Listen without immediate advice or correction; validate their feelings.
Repair Ruptures: When anger or conflict occurs, openly acknowledge and repair, demonstrating relational health.

Action: Schedule intentional time weekly to deeply listen and connect without agenda. Follow conflicts with sincere conversation to repair trust.

Step 6: Empower Your Teen’s Voice (Voice Dialogue Method Applied to Teens)

Facilitate your teen’s self-awareness by exploring their inner selves through conversations.
Support them in identifying dominant parts—"rebellious teen," "insecure teen," or "isolated teen."

Action: Occasionally initiate informal conversations with your teen about different "parts" they notice in themselves to build self-understanding and empathy.

Step 7: Heal Generational Patterns (Integrative Step)

Recognize patterns inherited from your own upbringing.
Actively choose to interrupt and rewrite harmful scripts.

Action: Reflect monthly on familial patterns you unconsciously repeat, and deliberately set new intentions in parenting.

Step 8: Community and Mentorship

Ensure your teen has positive adult role models beyond parents.
Build supportive community spaces where teens feel validated and safe to express themselves.

Action: Facilitate relationships with trusted adults, mentors, and peers who positively affirm your teen’s identity and emotional life.

Summary of Core Steps:

Recognize emotional dynamics and triggers (Maté).
Identify inner selves triggered by teen interactions (Voice Dialogue).
Dialogue with inner selves to heal and clarify (Voice Dialogue).
Offer empathy and healing to your inner teen (Integration).
Create presence and authentic connections with your teen (Maté).
Support your teen’s voice and self-awareness (Voice Dialogue).
Interrupt generational patterns to heal family dynamics (Integration).
Provide community support and mentorship for your teen (Integrative/Community).

By applying these integrated methods, you'll nurture a deeper connection and emotional resilience, not only for your teenage children but within yourself as a parent and individual.